


Just my thoughts

by BluejayKing



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-17 19:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20626556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluejayKing/pseuds/BluejayKing
Summary: Literally me just writing my thoughts for 30 min





	1. Chapter 1

Todays been weird. like I get what the world is supposed to feel like but I haven't really felt like that in a while? Am I just weird. probably. I have to listen to music to focus. no one likes that. most people I know think that is disrespectful. but when I take out an ear bud its too listen to you, I want to know what your opinions are. like why are you upset. I can still hear you. I just listen better under different circumstances than you. is that weird. I wrote about depression in my journal today. I broke down the morphology behind the word. The most accurate description of the word is pressed down. I think that is evocative of newer generations. we are never heard. By that I mean that we are screaming about climate and equality and so on and so forth, but there has not been any change in the world. I think that is unfair. so you know. Im just insane . maybe I am supposed to ask for a better life. Im scared for my future. I sat in an assembly with four year olds a week ago. All I saw was how they are going to die so soon. they won't even get to graduate collage. People complain about a lot of things but I have learned to be quiet. you hear more that way. that's why I need the headphones. to block out all the noise with more noise. I want every thing to be quiet. I am really tired all the time. Is that normal? to just feel in you bones that you should not be awake right now. I know that I should want to be awake and living but I don't want either of those things. Doing things is supposed to make you want to live. I don't think it really helps at all. Im more afraid of my loneliness when I'm active. except during dance, but that's another thing. I feel weird all the time. Is that just growing up? is it puberty? or am I just insane? probably the latter. right? When does life start to feel normal? When can I smile without forcing my happiness down my own throat? Is it wrong to not want to be around where I am? I don't really know what my questions are. I kinda want all the answer to life now. I know its supposed to be happiness. but it can't be because then no one would have depression or anxiety. I guess I am insane. these are the questions we are not supposed to ask are they. There are no answers to my life are there. Thats sad. but I'll live I guess. One day I will die, that will be the most fantastically interesting day of my life. I will learn if the world really is broken. I hope that there is a god, but I'm quite sure its not just one person up "there". It's got to be so many it's impossible to count. maybe each star is a god. maybe I'm not supposed to be asking these questions or considering the facts of the world. I hope I enjoy death when it comes. cause I'm too afraid to go now.


	2. An hour

So any way this week sucked. I was told by my teacher that I have the intellect of a third grader... And an hour later told by entire class that I was not human. My week has been long. I don't know if I have fully processed this week in full. Been tough. Am I sad? I guess so. But also I kinda don't really feel any thing about it, but in the way that I want to kill my self because of it. Do I actually want to kill myself? In short yes. The long answer is that I don't know if I am in hell or not, so I think that killing myself would help me make a better decision of wether or not to kill myself. So basically I don't know. I feel like I was right on the edge of happiness and then some one said I was not allowed to have it. Its quite unfair in my eyes. But its probably just to some one else, so who am I to complain. You know that feeling of when you just woke up, but haven't yet brushed your teeth? that's how my entire body feels right now. I am having a really drawn out panic/anxiety attack. I can't fucking focus cause I'm not allowed to have headphones at school. today I'm going to kill myself...

this was not an hour.


	3. yeah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 min this time

I have had a long week. Like I want out of some stuff but I am trapped by social norms. Which sucks. I guess I just want freedom? but not really. I want to have fun with life, rather than force my self to do something I hate. 

Death becomes us all, has a double meaning. One part is we all die, and the other is that we all look nicer in death. Beauty is a funny thing because we all have so many different interpretations, but we all like the same thing. we all want to be skinny or muscular, we want, in short, to be hot. We all say that beauty is objective and every one thinks differently about it. But that's not true, we all think the same about what the world should look like. 

Should I quit life? not kill myself, no, but stop caring about the world? Some times I feel like I care too much. Sometimes caring hurts. But I don't want to give up on the world. 

anyways I feel like I should end this? but again I don't want to stop talking to the world.

Well bye bye!


End file.
